


your love has reduced me to but a mess of bones - a tender soul longing to love and hold.

by thresbian



Category: By My Sword, Original Work
Genre: F/F, Minor Character Death, it's angsty and gay :)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-02-29 10:22:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18776344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thresbian/pseuds/thresbian
Summary: the medieval lesbian stucky-esque love story we deserve, told through snippets of letters. in no particular order, of course.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Thirteen Letters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2689091) by [dropdeaddream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dropdeaddream/pseuds/dropdeaddream), [WhatAreFears](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatAreFears/pseuds/WhatAreFears). 



  **but you are my nomad and i love you sideways daily. sideways because i have to beam my love in all directions, hoping it bounces off something and eventually finds you.**

- _the long and short of it_ , richard siken.

 

* * *

 

 

i.

i miss you. gods, i miss you. sometimes i stare for a moment too long at the bruises you have left on me. i see you, my love. i do. in those wild, feral moments. when we are exchanging blows, knuckle to cheek, i see you. you are fighting to come back. come back to me. you are in there somewhere and i will find you. i will always find you. you and i? we’re inseparable, have been since the start. till death do us part, isn’t that how it goes? see, my love - even death could not come between us. we are intertwined, muddled into one another. two girls, two houses, one story.

 

 

ii.

you just tried to kill me. man you hit hard, almost as hard as you love. your hand was wrapped around my throat, ripping the oxygen from my lungs and i almost let you. so long as i was in your arms it was okay. right?

 

 

iii.

my hands are shaking and all i can think about is the day you died. it was so cold that day, i swear the cold had made a home of me, it had dug and burrowed into every crevice of my being. hell, even my breath was cold, my lungs shuddering, wheezing with every exhale. your blood however, was warm. it felt wrong, it felt so wrong that your life was draining out of you that day. i remember your mother telling me that you were born on a hot summer day. you shouldn’t have died in the cold. you shouldn’t have died. gasping, choking on your own blood, i still remember the last thing you said to me. i remember it over the sound of my tears, over my ugly sobs, over my hear shattering, splintering like glass. i remember. but it shall stay between us my love, you took it to the grave and so shall i.

 

 

iv.

you remembered my name today. i was dazed, stumbling over my feet like a drunk but i heard it clear as day. your voice, just above a whisper, was broken with confusion. i heard you. i’ll always hear you.

 

 

v.

the other day someone asked me if i still love you. i froze - my breath, trapped in the rungs of my ribs. because i know - i know. even if i had stopped, i do not think i know how to do anything but love you. you are in my bones, my love. and so i ask myself how can i miss someone who never left? i feel your presence, your warmth wherever i go. you haunt me.

 

 

vi.

nomad hugged me today. odd, i know. it was after we lost you, again. you are faster than you were before, or perhaps, we are slower. you are still damn good with a bow, that much is true. you were always the best. the truth is such a fickle thing nowadays. remember there was a time where the lies we told would sit bitterly on our tongues, staining our mouths black. but now? oh, how easily lies come to us. i wonder how many lies you told me. i wonder how many lies of mine you believed. you see, i write you these in hopes that one day i may have enough courage to give them to you, gods knows i would never be able to say how i feel. i have lied to you my love, i have lied and lied and lied. but these letters? they are my truth - the truth you are owed, the truth you deserve. there is so much i wish for you to know. let us hope that i do not die before i finish telling you everything.

 

vii.

sometimes i think of your death and i wonder, did it hurt? did you get to see your mother and father on the other side as the gods promised us? did you think of me? i know that is a selfish thought for me to have but it is one that has crossed my mind often. at times i hold your blade in my hands. it’s so heavy. i must admit the heaviness is not attributed to physical weight. it weighs heavy upon my soul of course, you weigh heavy upon my soul. as if your absence was not meant to be. do you know what i think? when i die i shall see you on the other side, after all, in death our souls return home.


	2. Chapter 2

**i love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything.**

\- f. scott fitzgerald

 

* * *

 

 

viii.

today, i killed a man. he was following you, a spy sent from the dark corners of house neikea, i’m sure of it. i held my sword above his heart and he looked so scared but i killed him anyway. for you. i would do anything for you, my love. i would condemn the gods, rip kings thrones to pieces and scream until my throat is raw and aching. would you do the same for me?

 

 

ix.

do you remember when my brother and i used to wrestle and you would always come and rescue me? i wish i could have saved you.

 

 

x.

i went to a festival last night. the fires flickered softly and i found myself drawn to them. they reminded me of the night we kissed, the way our bodies seemed to melt into each other. i wish i had kissed you one last time. our lifetime together was not enough and i am ashamed to admit it. we deserved longer my love, we deserved lifetimes. i suppose i loved you enough in this one. i hope we find each other in the next one though. i hope that i get to have one more kiss.

 

 

xi.

i never told you how deeply i had fallen. i never told you. i was a coward who thought that i was being brave by sparing you the truth. you must hate me terribly. there are times where i wish you were still here to rage at me when i am being reckless or to softly clean my wounds. you were always so gentle with me and my heart. you still broke it though. isn’t it funny? it was your tenderness, the way you cradled my heart between your rough hands as if it was a child, that is what broke me. your love broke me.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's short, sorry, this concussion has been kicking my butt + school. but please feel free to comment and leave me feedback :)

**but i am tender, i am only tender, always and only tender.**

\- _patience & sarah_, isabel miller

* * *

 

  

xii.

summer has come and i am not prepared. i remember a time where we would sit under the trees and muse at the clouds grazing the blue sky. we would be breathless having escaped our royal guards just so we could have a moment to ourselves. just us. me and you. it was always you and i wasn’t it? we loved each other before we knew what the word love was and yet, in the end neither of us said it. a part of me is glad i did not tell you. because my love, my dearest, when you died you took my heart with you. i do not know if i would have survived you taking my love with you too.

 

 

xiii.

i wonder if you know who i am. or who i was. i feel as though you do and maybe that is why you died. allow me to explain. you died for me. you may argue with me on that, you may disagree but we both know it to be the truth. i told you, i begged you not to follow me to the depths of hell. and steadfast as always, you did just that. the gods claimed your soul and left me behind. you left me behind and i think it was for a reason. that reason is still yet to be uncovered. but i know it is there because you are still here.

 

 

 

xiv.

do you remember my coronation? when all the houses came to witness me inherit a title i did not even want. through the thick crowds of people, through all the shiny armour and bejewelled crowns, i only saw you. i always saw you, my love. even in those rare quiet moments, especially in those moments. it was if you and i were tethered, drawn to one another like a warrior to an untimely death. we were inevitable.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi :)

**early did death rise in flight, early did daybreak dawn, early are you surrounded by the ground. i do not forgive lovesick death, i do not forgive thoughtless life, i do not forgive the earth nor nothingness.**

\- _elegy for ramón sijé_ , miguel hernandez

* * *

 

 

 

xv.

i remember the day my parents died so clearly now. at first the memory was fuzzy, shrouded in a cloud of guilt and shame. but now, that day is as clear as the glorious archways that cover the buildings of house neikea. i can hear them - the arrows that pierced my father’s heart. the slashing of the swords as they skewered and sliced my guards. and worst of all? i can still hear my mother’s screams, the way she begged for my life to be spared. on certain days i feel as though i am not worthy of her sacrifice. maybe i will be one day. when i have burnt those who killed them to the ground and spit in the face of the gods. then, i will be worthy, i am sure of it.

 

 

 

xvi.

you nearly died today. if you had, i do not know what i would have done, truly. there is so much of me with you now, if you were to go i fear you would take me with you. i would not survive that. please don’t leave me. i love you ardently, foolishly, greedily. to lose you would be to lose the sun and stars. how would i live in such a cold world?

 

 

 

 

xvii.

i prayed with nomad on the soulstice. it was a rather awkward affair i must admit. i have not entered a holy temple in years, not since we fled our homes. i was too angry at the gods to do so, filled with so much hatred that it threatened to suffocate those around me. how did you survive my rage? how were you able to love a broken soul like mine without succumbing to my flames, without turning to ash? you loved me so gently, like a mother tends to her child’s wounds. i know you loved me, though you did not say it, i know. do you know how i know you loved me? because you let me be. you let me be foolish and brave and you were right there beside me. you were always there. i prayed for you, i was stumbling over my words but i continued anyway. i prayed that your soul found peace and that the gods welcomed you with open arms. i prayed that when i die, i see you.

**Author's Note:**

> uh so yeah? if you want to see this continued or fleshed out in anyway, please let me know! drop a comment or send me a message on my tumblr: tendercoredyke


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